Gratitude

 As this big year slowly draws to a close, I am stopping and looking and being thankful for this life.

There is nothing like a bit of festive cheer to awaken the gratitude within.

The beginning of this year was filled with dreams and possibilities, and the end of this year is filled with reality and even more possibility. This year I conquered mountains, built foundations and became a better me.

I am so bloody grateful for every single person in my life. New friends and old, blogger friends and  neighbours. These are the people that get you through everyday.

Thank you for being a part of it.

Stuff I Loved :: The November Edition

I cannot believe I have only blogged THREE times since the last 'Stuff I Loved'!!!!

Let's do this....

:: Current William ::
As the year starts to draw to a close, I look to my eldest with such joy and pride. This boy has had a massive year, he has grown physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Learning talk comes easily to most, but for Will it has been a struggle. This year we received the diagnosis, we learnt how to teach Will the fundamentals, we learnt how to communicate, we learnt how to understand each other without the tears and the frustrations. I am blown away each and everyday when I see the magnificent little human we've created. I am so humbled and grateful that he chose us to be his parents.

:: Current Olivia ::
When I learnt that I was having a little girl, all those moons ago, I wondered what sort of person she would be, what sort of girl she would be. Would she be bold and outgoing, or quiet and dainty? Would she have curly or straight hair? I couldn't have predicted the beautiful and crazy little jelly bean that is mine, all mine. Liv has grown so much in just a few short months. She has lost her little chubby baby legs and arms, her hair has changed from dark to blonde. She chats...all..the..time. Puppy and Jemima are her best buds. She loves food, every food, except pumpkin (wtf??). She is bolder than bold, nothing is too difficult for her - dancing on tables, climbing up trees, dangling from great heights, pushing her big brother around, barefoot through the prickles - no biggie. This gal, she is all guts, I hope she mellows a little as a teenager but I am not expecting miracles - trouble is her middle name.

:: Current Music ::
Radiohead - All Albums
Making Mirrors - Gotye
Flume - Flume
Ball Park Music - Museum
Calvin Harris - 18 Months
Gypsy & The Cat - The Late Blue
Mumford and Sons - Babel

:: Current Books ::
The Return Of The Naked Chef - Jamie Oliver
Cloudstreet - Tim Winton
15 Minute Meals - Jamie Oliver


:: Current Films/TV ::
Clinton (SBS)
Law and Order re-runs
Romancing The Stone
The Jewel of The Nile
PLAY SCHOOL..ergh

:: Current Food ::

Roast Pumpkin

Mangoes

Lemon Melting Moments

Pesto

Baked Beans

:: Current Drink ::

Earl Grey tea from T2

Lemonade

Iced Mocha's 

Water

:: Current Triumphs ::
Hitting rock bottom emotionally and dusting myself off. Learning to be positive and appreciate what you have, more than I ever have before. Recognising the things I struggle with and attempting to change them for the better. Being a better me.

:: Current Non-Mummy Activities ::
Lunches and dinners with those I love. Gigs. Peaceful moments sipping coffee in the sunshine.

Christmas Smiles

Sometimes you gotta hit rock bottom before you can pick yourself up again. And that is exactly what I have done. I am dusted off and standing tall.

I am so grateful to have this space and you guys. I am grateful to be able to be open and honest and share the up's and the down's. The frustrations of last week have been left in the past. Positive choices have been made. Strategies have been put in place. Oh yeah... and... Keith has won a pretty big contract with the state government that starts next week!!!!!

Christmas is just around the corner and I am so super excited to have two little darlings who are old enough to understand Christmas and all of the joyousness that comes along with it. We are singing carols, baking gingerbread, decking the halls and making a list (and checking it twice).

Life is good. Christmas makes it better.

Crazy Like A Pack Of Galas

These last couple of weeks have been some of the toughest I have had to go through in a long while. I have barely had the time to finish a cup of tea, let alone blog. I am certain that my lack of blogging is contributing to the issues that I have mentioned below.

Leading up to these past few weeks, stuff has been good. Things bubbling a long nicely. Money in the bank, work coming in, food on the table, sleeping kids, sunny days, physical activity, laughter and socialising, everything that you would classify as 'perfection'.

Then it struck.... gloom and doom.

I had been working like a mad woman to get off of my anti-anxiety medication for months. I started taking this medication after years of deliberation, analysing, questioning, but most of all, suffering. I have spoken about my anxiety in the past - its the kind that will just jump up and bite you in the ass out of nowhere. My life on this medication is ok, emotions don't really register as well, weight gain - a lot of weight gain, the occasional bout of worry and fret. My life off this medication is great but full of doubt and constant worry about everything. It is like waking up from a nightmare and not being able to shake it off all day. Its that pit of your stomach worry, it kills me it is SO frustrating to live with. As you can see, it is a Catch 22 situation. I would rather be medication and learn to deal with everything in an organic way as I feel it is something I can manage with the right support.

I finally got off them and I was pretty impressed with how it went. I honest to goodness felt great and I did not suffer at all from any of the side affects that often arise. Three weeks of pure bliss. I had regular emotions, I could cry at the sight of a puppy running along a sunset filled beach. I could roar with laughter at the kids carrying on like galas. I could have those moments, you know, where your guts felt like they had been dusted with glitter and diamonds. Shit was good and life felt pretty frickin' awesome. Then...BOOM. Shit was not good. It was all in my mind, my consciousness created craziness and worry, it then manifested into actual craziness and worry. I could see it seeping out and sticking to everyone.

I am slowly coming out of my fog only to discover that life is starting to crumble somewhat. Keith and I are both fortunate to be earning a bit of money here and there with our own businesses but it isn't really enough to keep our budget ticking over. All of a sudden, there was no money, there was not a lot of food on the table, the kids were sick with the sniffles, I had discovered I now had hay fever (big time...I have never had hay fever, let me wallow!!), Keith and I were bickering - constantly, the house was/still is a mess, like seriously filthy, and the gym is a distant memory. However, despite this mess, the work has been flowing in (yesssssssss).

We have started to approach the letterbox with apprehension. Home Brand is taking over our fridge and cupboards. I have found myself looking around our home at the things of value, some things we never use that could could potentially buy us a week's worth of groceries if they were sold. Memberships and subscriptions have been cancelled, Foxtel was the first to go. Up next is my car - she is on the market looking all new and spiffy.

The most important thing to me is my family. I could live in a tent and be content and happy with my three loves. We have learnt that we need to stick together and not lay blame here or there. We have got to be honest, and face up to some things that we would rather run away from. We are embracing the fact that we need to sick like glue these next few weeks and just roll with it - the good, the bad and the ugly. The easiest solution is not one that we are looking for right now. The easiest solution would be for Keith to go back to work for another organisation, doing the same old work, getting paid far less than what he should and spending less time with his family. We may be eating baked beans every other night but at least I have a husband who is working from home, forging working relationships with major companies, earning what he can as he starts up his own business.

So after all of this, my crazies and all, I went to see my dear doctor. I looked him in the eye and I just cried, like ugly crying. I told him what was going on, I told him all of my worries and all of the silly things that I thought were complete nonsense. I even said, and I quote, "I feel like such a dick, I don't even know what I am doing - you should be at home relaxing by now, not listening to my crap." He literally took my hands and told me exactly what I needed to hear - everything is okay, you are amazing blah blah. Then he told me something no other person has ever told me, he told me what was wrong with me - "Amelia, you are not depressed, you have Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (seven years delayed)".

SHIT

SHIT

SHIT

The only thing to do in this situation is get away. And that we did. Rapid Bay called and we answered. No phone reception is awesome sometimes. I feel refreshed and re energised ready to grab this craziness by the you know what's, and get on with it.

Here's to a much brighter today and tomorrow.

Stuff I Loved :: The October Edition

 Shhheeesh where on earth has this month gone? Like, seriously.

So much has been going on behind the scenes over here, I wish that sometimes I could push on through the night and get that shit done, but I am starting to feel like one old and very weary lady.

:: Current William ::
The yeses and the no's are becoming a constant. The hellos the goodbyes. The backpack, the shirts, the toes, the watch and the tie are some of his favourites. Not only is he growing and changing, he is running fast, he is talking off into the sunset, my baby is finally becoming the boy that I see. I have noticed that sweetness is starting to come out in his actions. He will give his sister the first ice block out of the box, he will unwrap it, put the wrapper in the bin and pass it over to her tiny little hands. He will hold the door open for his grandpa and great grandmother. He will share his milkshake and he will swaddle you in blankets when you look sleepy. On the other hand, he will totally flip out if something is a miss. He will have a meltdown if juice is spilt, he will scream and stomp his feet if you say no. He  will drop his lip and give you a look of utter disgust as he slouches off down the hallway. Lordy, give me strength.

:: Current Olivia ::
This kid does not stop. Full stop. She chats, she warbles, she sings, she dances. She knows how to put a record on the turntable. She knows how to turn off the television. She knows how to push every single boundary. Gosh, I bloody love this gal. We are going to have so much fun when she gets older.

:: Current Triumphs ::
The gym has really been a big thing for me these past six weeks or so. 

Also, expanding my business. Its all happening so easily and smoothly. I have booked in for a workshop with the amazing Jonas Peterson, coming up in a few weeks, in Melbourne. I cannot wait. Wedding photography was totally NOT on my radar for at least two years but people have found me, asked me and I have obliged. I feel so honoured and completely gob smacked that someone would want ME to photograph their wedding. I have no doubt in my ability, I am just still blown away that you can live your dreams and actually achieve what your heart desires. 

::Current Non-Mummy Activities ::
There have been gigs, tattoos, weekends away with the husband (NO KIDS) and the odd drink or two. I feel like I have been reliving my youth this past month. 

:: Current Music ::
Playlist
Default - Atoms For Peace
On Your Side - New Gods
Just What I Am - Kid Cudi
Bloom - Gypsy And The Cat 
Angel - Marianne Faithfull
Pray - Jay Z
Holdin' On - Flume
Wolf - First Aid Kit
Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

Albums
Haim EP - Haim
Just Tell Me That You Want Me - Fleetwood Mac Tribute
American Gangsta - Jay Z
The Late Blue - Gypsy And The Cat
Flume - Flume

:: Curent Food ::
Avocados
Tomatoes
Rye Bread
Rocket (still)
Mangoes
Kiwi Fruit

:: Current Drinks ::
Bombay Sapphire Gin 
Coffee
Banana Smoothies
Water

:: Current Films/ TV) ::
Girls
Downtown Abbey
Mad Men
Anything on TCM
Nigella

:: Current Books ::
Fresh And Light - Donny Hay
The Photographers Eye - Michael Freeman
The Photographers Mind - Michael Freeman
The Exercise Cookbook - Michelle Bridges

A Be Loverly Birthday

I have been a follower and fan of Cat's blog since the very beginning of my blogging journey. Her blog was one of the very first I stumbled upon. Our babes are around the same age, I remember being pregnant at the same time together with our second's. 

Cat's love of craft and food inspire me everyday. Her Pumpkin Whoopie Pies will actually knock you off your feet, they are that good. This lady has a heart of gold and I am honoured to now call her a friend.

I headed along to Little Lion's first birthday party a couple of weeks ago. The day was magic, as was the weather. I actually managed to encounter my first hiccup as a photographer, I am still kicking myself over it. Loosing a card of images is never a pleasant experience, but when it was something you had pinned so many expectations of yourself upon, it makes it a little bit worse. 

Never mind, shit happens! I am so lucky to have captured the images that I did, those beautiful boys of hers, well they just light up every single frame.