Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Crazy Like A Pack Of Galas

These last couple of weeks have been some of the toughest I have had to go through in a long while. I have barely had the time to finish a cup of tea, let alone blog. I am certain that my lack of blogging is contributing to the issues that I have mentioned below.

Leading up to these past few weeks, stuff has been good. Things bubbling a long nicely. Money in the bank, work coming in, food on the table, sleeping kids, sunny days, physical activity, laughter and socialising, everything that you would classify as 'perfection'.

Then it struck.... gloom and doom.

I had been working like a mad woman to get off of my anti-anxiety medication for months. I started taking this medication after years of deliberation, analysing, questioning, but most of all, suffering. I have spoken about my anxiety in the past - its the kind that will just jump up and bite you in the ass out of nowhere. My life on this medication is ok, emotions don't really register as well, weight gain - a lot of weight gain, the occasional bout of worry and fret. My life off this medication is great but full of doubt and constant worry about everything. It is like waking up from a nightmare and not being able to shake it off all day. Its that pit of your stomach worry, it kills me it is SO frustrating to live with. As you can see, it is a Catch 22 situation. I would rather be medication and learn to deal with everything in an organic way as I feel it is something I can manage with the right support.

I finally got off them and I was pretty impressed with how it went. I honest to goodness felt great and I did not suffer at all from any of the side affects that often arise. Three weeks of pure bliss. I had regular emotions, I could cry at the sight of a puppy running along a sunset filled beach. I could roar with laughter at the kids carrying on like galas. I could have those moments, you know, where your guts felt like they had been dusted with glitter and diamonds. Shit was good and life felt pretty frickin' awesome. Then...BOOM. Shit was not good. It was all in my mind, my consciousness created craziness and worry, it then manifested into actual craziness and worry. I could see it seeping out and sticking to everyone.

I am slowly coming out of my fog only to discover that life is starting to crumble somewhat. Keith and I are both fortunate to be earning a bit of money here and there with our own businesses but it isn't really enough to keep our budget ticking over. All of a sudden, there was no money, there was not a lot of food on the table, the kids were sick with the sniffles, I had discovered I now had hay fever (big time...I have never had hay fever, let me wallow!!), Keith and I were bickering - constantly, the house was/still is a mess, like seriously filthy, and the gym is a distant memory. However, despite this mess, the work has been flowing in (yesssssssss).

We have started to approach the letterbox with apprehension. Home Brand is taking over our fridge and cupboards. I have found myself looking around our home at the things of value, some things we never use that could could potentially buy us a week's worth of groceries if they were sold. Memberships and subscriptions have been cancelled, Foxtel was the first to go. Up next is my car - she is on the market looking all new and spiffy.

The most important thing to me is my family. I could live in a tent and be content and happy with my three loves. We have learnt that we need to stick together and not lay blame here or there. We have got to be honest, and face up to some things that we would rather run away from. We are embracing the fact that we need to sick like glue these next few weeks and just roll with it - the good, the bad and the ugly. The easiest solution is not one that we are looking for right now. The easiest solution would be for Keith to go back to work for another organisation, doing the same old work, getting paid far less than what he should and spending less time with his family. We may be eating baked beans every other night but at least I have a husband who is working from home, forging working relationships with major companies, earning what he can as he starts up his own business.

So after all of this, my crazies and all, I went to see my dear doctor. I looked him in the eye and I just cried, like ugly crying. I told him what was going on, I told him all of my worries and all of the silly things that I thought were complete nonsense. I even said, and I quote, "I feel like such a dick, I don't even know what I am doing - you should be at home relaxing by now, not listening to my crap." He literally took my hands and told me exactly what I needed to hear - everything is okay, you are amazing blah blah. Then he told me something no other person has ever told me, he told me what was wrong with me - "Amelia, you are not depressed, you have Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (seven years delayed)".




The only thing to do in this situation is get away. And that we did. Rapid Bay called and we answered. No phone reception is awesome sometimes. I feel refreshed and re energised ready to grab this craziness by the you know what's, and get on with it.

Here's to a much brighter today and tomorrow.


  1. I love your posts.

    You are a strong woman Amelia :) and you have such a gorgeous family.

    The good thing that can come out of it is that you have support in them and you can acknowledge how you feel.

    And Keith is following his dreams! so much more important :)

    Really hope it all picks up for you lovely.


    1. Didn't mean more important than you!
      Meant so much more important to follow dreams and sacrifice money especially when he can spend more time at home xx

  2. Oh hun, my heart aches for you.

    Sounds like a few massive rollercoaster weeks for your family hun.

    Life is up and down, my therapist said, if it didn't move up and down, you aren't really living.

    I praise you for being so strong and weaning off your meds, which is a HUGE step. Take it easy hun, one meal, one hour, one day, one week at a time.

    I think 2013 is going to be super bright for you and your family. Hubby has moved on and you guys have more freedom than ever, although those penny pinching moments may make you forgot that.

    We are going through a similar situation too hun. James has started his own firm and his salary? It will come and go but we definitely have to watch our $$$ right now. Rapid Bay sounds wonderful, maybe you could make it a more regular thing to head there? Sounds like heaven to me.

    The kids look happy and healthy, that is the most important thing of all. And your mental health too, go gently hun.


  3. oh amelia, I wish I could give you a great BIG hug right now! my heart hurt reading this. I admire you both greatly for chasing your dreams, even through the shitty patches. sometimes the bottom line makes the decisions for us.. which sucks but is reality for most of us. you guys are so strong to choose the path less travelled. I'm so glad you were able to get away, sometimes it's all we need, just to step out of the picture to see things more clearly or let ourselves heal just enough to press on again with a little renewed vigour. I agree with sam, go gently hun xx

  4. I feel the pain in your heart. Thank you for sharing so openly. I have been on medication to manage my anxiety since I had my darling boy. I am almost too scared to have another bubba for the fear of it returning and also knowing that I probably couldn't cope with two at this point in my busy-enough life. I am the lowest tiny little sniff of medicine now, hoping to come off that in 6 months time. But it'll need to be a quieter more peace-filled time than now, this I know! Thinking of you x

  5. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time, Amelia. I love how you have you priorities in perfect order, family first, money later. It is incredible that you are getting lots of work admist your personal crises, you certainly deserve it with the lovely images you capture. Thinking of you xx

  6. Oh sweetheart. You are doing fabulously - talking, listening, reaching out and doing what you need for you and your family. Running businesses from home are a hard slog, particularly at the beginning, but soon it'll get easier and you'll work out ways to deal with the peaks and troughs. Feasts and famines. Take care of yourself xx

  7. Thanks for being brave and posting this! I too suffer from sometimes crippling anxiety and depression and I'm currently on a high dose of the meds. I don't know when I will be able to come off completely but I hope one day to be able too!
    You are seriously so talented and you seem like a really lovely person even though we have never met!
    I just hope that all will be well as you navigate this time in your life. Big hugs :)
    Ellen xx

  8. Oh hun, you have had a huge few weeks. I'm glad you got to have a break away. You are so amazing, I just know you will be alright.

    Sending big hugs and love to you. xo

  9. Amelia, you are so amazingly brave to write so honestly. Sounds like you have lots of love and support and I'm thinking of you.

  10. We just CONTINUE to lead parallel lives!

    I too, took like a leap of faith (like Keith) & have started my own business which is chugging along slowly, but I am increasing my portfolio in January next year, & I keep telling Dave to relax about how broke we are, because everything is going to be ok next year. But yep, the empty pantry, & the palpitations, & the 'fuck.fuck.fuck. What are we gonna do now?!' ... I get that!

    Keep chugging, you have a gift, you really do. I can't wait to say that I knew that 'Amelia O'Connor' one day ;)

    As for the parallel lives, quit being so similar. We too, are also going to Rapid Bay (New Year's Eve).

    Bliss x

  11. Oh my darling love :( i want to drive to your house right now and smother you in a gigantic hug... Life definitely has its ups and downs.. Sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel you know? - but you are honestly the most optimistic person I know - you still manage to see all the beauty and love around you even when times are tough; you make the best of it. That my darling friend is a testiment to your character and resiliance. Dont hesitate to give me a bell - at anytime.
    Love you lady xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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