Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Crazy Like A Pack Of Galas

These last couple of weeks have been some of the toughest I have had to go through in a long while. I have barely had the time to finish a cup of tea, let alone blog. I am certain that my lack of blogging is contributing to the issues that I have mentioned below.

Leading up to these past few weeks, stuff has been good. Things bubbling a long nicely. Money in the bank, work coming in, food on the table, sleeping kids, sunny days, physical activity, laughter and socialising, everything that you would classify as 'perfection'.

Then it struck.... gloom and doom.

I had been working like a mad woman to get off of my anti-anxiety medication for months. I started taking this medication after years of deliberation, analysing, questioning, but most of all, suffering. I have spoken about my anxiety in the past - its the kind that will just jump up and bite you in the ass out of nowhere. My life on this medication is ok, emotions don't really register as well, weight gain - a lot of weight gain, the occasional bout of worry and fret. My life off this medication is great but full of doubt and constant worry about everything. It is like waking up from a nightmare and not being able to shake it off all day. Its that pit of your stomach worry, it kills me it is SO frustrating to live with. As you can see, it is a Catch 22 situation. I would rather be medication and learn to deal with everything in an organic way as I feel it is something I can manage with the right support.

I finally got off them and I was pretty impressed with how it went. I honest to goodness felt great and I did not suffer at all from any of the side affects that often arise. Three weeks of pure bliss. I had regular emotions, I could cry at the sight of a puppy running along a sunset filled beach. I could roar with laughter at the kids carrying on like galas. I could have those moments, you know, where your guts felt like they had been dusted with glitter and diamonds. Shit was good and life felt pretty frickin' awesome. Then...BOOM. Shit was not good. It was all in my mind, my consciousness created craziness and worry, it then manifested into actual craziness and worry. I could see it seeping out and sticking to everyone.

I am slowly coming out of my fog only to discover that life is starting to crumble somewhat. Keith and I are both fortunate to be earning a bit of money here and there with our own businesses but it isn't really enough to keep our budget ticking over. All of a sudden, there was no money, there was not a lot of food on the table, the kids were sick with the sniffles, I had discovered I now had hay fever (big time...I have never had hay fever, let me wallow!!), Keith and I were bickering - constantly, the house was/still is a mess, like seriously filthy, and the gym is a distant memory. However, despite this mess, the work has been flowing in (yesssssssss).

We have started to approach the letterbox with apprehension. Home Brand is taking over our fridge and cupboards. I have found myself looking around our home at the things of value, some things we never use that could could potentially buy us a week's worth of groceries if they were sold. Memberships and subscriptions have been cancelled, Foxtel was the first to go. Up next is my car - she is on the market looking all new and spiffy.

The most important thing to me is my family. I could live in a tent and be content and happy with my three loves. We have learnt that we need to stick together and not lay blame here or there. We have got to be honest, and face up to some things that we would rather run away from. We are embracing the fact that we need to sick like glue these next few weeks and just roll with it - the good, the bad and the ugly. The easiest solution is not one that we are looking for right now. The easiest solution would be for Keith to go back to work for another organisation, doing the same old work, getting paid far less than what he should and spending less time with his family. We may be eating baked beans every other night but at least I have a husband who is working from home, forging working relationships with major companies, earning what he can as he starts up his own business.

So after all of this, my crazies and all, I went to see my dear doctor. I looked him in the eye and I just cried, like ugly crying. I told him what was going on, I told him all of my worries and all of the silly things that I thought were complete nonsense. I even said, and I quote, "I feel like such a dick, I don't even know what I am doing - you should be at home relaxing by now, not listening to my crap." He literally took my hands and told me exactly what I needed to hear - everything is okay, you are amazing blah blah. Then he told me something no other person has ever told me, he told me what was wrong with me - "Amelia, you are not depressed, you have Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (seven years delayed)".




The only thing to do in this situation is get away. And that we did. Rapid Bay called and we answered. No phone reception is awesome sometimes. I feel refreshed and re energised ready to grab this craziness by the you know what's, and get on with it.

Here's to a much brighter today and tomorrow.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Stuff I Loved :: The October Edition

 Shhheeesh where on earth has this month gone? Like, seriously.

So much has been going on behind the scenes over here, I wish that sometimes I could push on through the night and get that shit done, but I am starting to feel like one old and very weary lady.

:: Current William ::
The yeses and the no's are becoming a constant. The hellos the goodbyes. The backpack, the shirts, the toes, the watch and the tie are some of his favourites. Not only is he growing and changing, he is running fast, he is talking off into the sunset, my baby is finally becoming the boy that I see. I have noticed that sweetness is starting to come out in his actions. He will give his sister the first ice block out of the box, he will unwrap it, put the wrapper in the bin and pass it over to her tiny little hands. He will hold the door open for his grandpa and great grandmother. He will share his milkshake and he will swaddle you in blankets when you look sleepy. On the other hand, he will totally flip out if something is a miss. He will have a meltdown if juice is spilt, he will scream and stomp his feet if you say no. He  will drop his lip and give you a look of utter disgust as he slouches off down the hallway. Lordy, give me strength.

:: Current Olivia ::
This kid does not stop. Full stop. She chats, she warbles, she sings, she dances. She knows how to put a record on the turntable. She knows how to turn off the television. She knows how to push every single boundary. Gosh, I bloody love this gal. We are going to have so much fun when she gets older.

:: Current Triumphs ::
The gym has really been a big thing for me these past six weeks or so. 

Also, expanding my business. Its all happening so easily and smoothly. I have booked in for a workshop with the amazing Jonas Peterson, coming up in a few weeks, in Melbourne. I cannot wait. Wedding photography was totally NOT on my radar for at least two years but people have found me, asked me and I have obliged. I feel so honoured and completely gob smacked that someone would want ME to photograph their wedding. I have no doubt in my ability, I am just still blown away that you can live your dreams and actually achieve what your heart desires. 

::Current Non-Mummy Activities ::
There have been gigs, tattoos, weekends away with the husband (NO KIDS) and the odd drink or two. I feel like I have been reliving my youth this past month. 

:: Current Music ::
Default - Atoms For Peace
On Your Side - New Gods
Just What I Am - Kid Cudi
Bloom - Gypsy And The Cat 
Angel - Marianne Faithfull
Pray - Jay Z
Holdin' On - Flume
Wolf - First Aid Kit
Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

Haim EP - Haim
Just Tell Me That You Want Me - Fleetwood Mac Tribute
American Gangsta - Jay Z
The Late Blue - Gypsy And The Cat
Flume - Flume

:: Curent Food ::
Rye Bread
Rocket (still)
Kiwi Fruit

:: Current Drinks ::
Bombay Sapphire Gin 
Banana Smoothies

:: Current Films/ TV) ::
Downtown Abbey
Mad Men
Anything on TCM

:: Current Books ::
Fresh And Light - Donny Hay
The Photographers Eye - Michael Freeman
The Photographers Mind - Michael Freeman
The Exercise Cookbook - Michelle Bridges

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Be Loverly Birthday

I have been a follower and fan of Cat's blog since the very beginning of my blogging journey. Her blog was one of the very first I stumbled upon. Our babes are around the same age, I remember being pregnant at the same time together with our second's. 

Cat's love of craft and food inspire me everyday. Her Pumpkin Whoopie Pies will actually knock you off your feet, they are that good. This lady has a heart of gold and I am honoured to now call her a friend.

I headed along to Little Lion's first birthday party a couple of weeks ago. The day was magic, as was the weather. I actually managed to encounter my first hiccup as a photographer, I am still kicking myself over it. Loosing a card of images is never a pleasant experience, but when it was something you had pinned so many expectations of yourself upon, it makes it a little bit worse. 

Never mind, shit happens! I am so lucky to have captured the images that I did, those beautiful boys of hers, well they just light up every single frame.

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